So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
