Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
