he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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