i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The feeling are messing with the penis
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
