I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
