he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
