He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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