He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
