I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
