can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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