Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
