bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
