Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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