After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
