I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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