Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
