im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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