The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
