so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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