...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
