I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
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As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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