Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're so nebulous sometimes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Two words: blizzard sex
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
