A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My ass is underappreciated
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
