You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
