yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
