shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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