Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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