i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
