Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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