If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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