Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
