she was so not down for the gang bang
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
