So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
