i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
