I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
