The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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