it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
