dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The uberlube is also flammable
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
