I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
