Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
