dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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