Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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