First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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