Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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