I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
