Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
birth control should be required to get into college
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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