Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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