I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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