you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
