its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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