First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
