I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
