Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.