so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
