Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.