So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
