My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
