My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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