my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
