This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You ruined the universe
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
